Category: Dating and Relationships
When talking about whether or not a relationship is abusive, we often mention frequent fighting as a possible warning sign. And we often get the response that fighting is normal in any relationship, including a perfectly healthy one. Which, to an extent, is true. We're never going to be with someone where we're in total agreement with 100% of the time. But: there is healthy fighting, and then there is unhealthy fighting.
It's often really hard to tell the difference, also because not everyone has 'learned' how to fight in a productive way. A good rule of thumb is that a good argument is conducted with honesty and mutual respect, it clears the air, and it leaves everyone involved feeling better for it. An unhealthy fight, however, involves things like accusations, name-calling, threats, etc, and leaves you feeling hurt, angry or upset.
Where do you think the difference lies? How did you learn how to fight, and what experiences have you made with good and bad fighting?
I hate fighting. I get my feelings hurt pretty easily and never say the right things. Long after the fight is over, I think of all sorts of things I should have said. But some people just won't let you bring the subject up again and clear the air. They think because you got quiet that you agree with them or that they've won the fight.
I don't remember my parents ever fighting, but then they got divorced when I was only 5. I am getting a bit better at articulating my thoughts during an argument, but it really depends with whom I have the argument. Some people really know how to cut the other person down so fast they don't have a chance to respond.
The problem is, that if you are fighting about something you feel strongly about, it is not easy to focus on how you are coming across to you're partner. I've learnt that you get nowhere by being closed minded, if you're partner is fighting with you, there is obviously a reason for it. So I try to listen, no matter how right I think I am. i don't know how well I do at that, i'm not the person to ask. lol. If i've done something wrong, I try to consider how i'd feel if the roles were reversed. If we disagree, i try to think about thihngs from her point of view. I'm not saying it's easy, and i'm not saying i'm always successful at it, and it solves the problems, but it does help gain perspective.
But the key is to listen I think. I like to be right as much as anyone else, but unfortunately that's not the way it is. Don't tell anyone I admitted that.
But you said that unhealthy fighting involves name calling, threats and so on,. I don't agree that unhealthy fighting has to include such things. It could be that you are in complete disagreement about something that you both feel so strongly about that you aren't going to budge. In that case, it's not always about threats and name calling, it could hbe that you are surprised at you're partners views, and it can cause a real problem.
That's why communication is so vital to successful relationships in my oppinion. Of course there are going to be fights, arguments, and we'll all need to appologise at some stage. But i feel if you care enough about you're partner, you will respect their views enough to listen, and if you disagree, you disagree, but it's how you deal with it. Shouting the other person down is obviously not the way, but unfortunately, some people automaticly do that, perhaps it's a defensive thing, i don't know.
Sometimes you just have to say "Let's agree to disagree" and let it go at that. But some people always have to be right and won't do that and keep on with the fight over a period of days and weeks and even months, bringing up the sore subject whenever they are in a bullying mood.
I have two things to say.
1. When you're really in the heart of a fight, stop for a minute and try and argue your partner's point of you--as if you were them. This can sometimes help people reach an empathic state, and help them better see where the other person is coming from.
2. When arguments get heated, as they often can if people feel passionately about something, it's really helpful to step back, and agree to cool down and re-visit the issue once both parties have had time to blow off some steam, think things over, etc. I can think of several occasions where I blew things out of praportion, only to later regret it because when I thought it through while not being angry, I recognized that my reaction was dispraportionate to my partner's behaviours.
When I fight, I often try to keep from calling the other person names. But I will admit that accusations do leave my lips. It's not respectful, but my parents aren't good examples of how to fight productively, so that's an area that needs some work.
Another problem is that people get into fights over such trivial matters.
But the pages turn and these trivial things expand to more serious matters. Things really get heated when doors to other topics are open i.e, passed things that a person did or said.
Another thing, like Cam said, is that we often don't take the time to listen to our partners, or anyone we're fighting with for that matter. To us, it's so important to get our own point across. And it makes it even more difficult when the other person wants to turn the fight into a soliloquy.
But a productive fight is one that results in both parties successfully getting their points across.
I just wanted to address this because many people consider fighting as a whole to be a bad thing. I guess you could say that fighting sounds worse than arguing, but they're really one in the same.
I just saw this topic, and so I'm bringing it back up. I don't think frequent fighting between a couple is good, but the original poster is right: normal couples do occasionally fight. I think each person can come away from it having learned something new about themselves and their partner, and even with the relationship stronger, after the argument.
One of the meters I use when trying to make sure I fight fair is, how do I want my partner to treat me? If I want to be treated respectfully and listened to fairly, then I must do the same for my partner. If the accusation or comment about to slip past my lips would hurt me if it were reversed, then it may very well hurt them. And, part of it is, past experience. I've lost control before, and said some things in anger that I really wish I could take back, and never can. Therefore, I try to be a lot more careful to keep that from happening now. The other thing is to use what are commonly called, "I statements." things like, "I feel like this when this happens," etc. That way you're focusing on voicing your own feelings, not accusing the other person of things. Counselor 101 right there. Grin.
I think the lie is drawn when someone is not willing to agree to disagree and believe their right and they'll allways be right. when it comes to an argument or debate I try my best to be the diplamat that usually helps and keeps things cool, I have found that if u keep your composure more then likely the other party will sometimes they me not but even then try to keep your self under control. with werds and anything else.
I agree 100%. It's easier to keep things cool when you or the other person aren't so hotheaded. When both parties are raging mad and yelling and such, it makes it more difficult to resolve the issue.
I cannot say that fighting couples aint a good couples. as per my view, try understanding your partner's opinion too. and as per me, life is nothing but give and take. give one and get back in multiples. lol.
and even if you disagree with your partner, say that in a polite way. while he or she is in a good mood. instead of bitching or yelling while your partner is already in a bad mood.
I hope that would avoid fightings and can help us for a healthy relationship. not a weekly or monthly one, you see.
Raaj.
A "good fight is when you and significant other no each other's trigger points and you stay away from them but at the same time getting your point across in a civil and peaceful way that won't burn the perverbial bridges of the relationship. A bad fight is when the gloves come off and you call names and bring up old shit from the past that in reality is dead and buried just as an attempt to add insult to injury. both sexes are guilty of this action you really cannot pin the blame on any specific demagraphic. but in all honesty if you love and care about someone no matter what the fight is about you will keep it clean...if you can't have a fight with your significant other where you two can't hurt each other's feelings then you are better off calling it quits.
amen ryan